all around amateur

AMATEUR: from French, from Italian (amatore), from Latin (amator, 'lover', from amare, 'to love')

It just had to be said

4 PM, all alone in my apartment. My textbook carelessly left open on my desk; maybe if I listen hard enough, I’d hear the spine cracking. Photocopied cases haphazardly strewn on the floor next to a week’s worth of laundry piling up in the corner.

8 hours from now, another year will have passed of me without you, and you with her.

12 months of wondering whether you’re happy and better off without me, with her. I couldn’t help it, I just had to text you:

Hey! I know it’s been ages. But are you busy tonight? I’m turning 22 and I’m without any plans, law school is eating up all my time. Will you ring in my birthday with me? I guess it’s sad, but I just want some company when the clock strikes. Please?

I’m scared you’ll take forever to reply. Worse yet that you wouldn’t. The last time I bore my heart to you, it took you 3 months to finally say that you didn’t feel the same. My heart can’t take another beating like that.

4 minutes, that’s all it took:

Sure. Where? What time? Are we going to be studying?

8 PM, at the local coffeeshop. My open book in front of me, green from too much highlighting and all I could think of was whether it was going to be weird when you got here.

You walk in wearing that shirt. The last time I remember you wearing that shirt, we kissed in a strange land, in the dark, pretending to be strangers. You didn’t do it on purpose, I’m sure. That night meant nothing to you, while it meant everything to me.

We hug, exchange niceties and then sit next to each other in silence. You studying the nervous system and me the Constitution.

11:59 PM. My phone buzzes, it’s a message from you:

Happy Birthday!!! :)

12 MN. My phone rings, it’s a friend calling in to greet me. You’re just staring at me and smiling.

The call ends, my phone still vibrating with birthday greetings.

But all that matters is you, sitting next to me.

Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it.

Of course, where else would I be?

You should be with me. But you’re with her.

All the books we own, both read and unread, are the fullest expression of self we have at our disposal. …But with each passing year, and with each whimsical purchase, our libraries become more and more able to articulate who we are, whether we read the books or not.

starting a fight

he’s never done anything to me. but i want to break his nose and make him bleed. 

looking at him, i can’t help but remember another face, another time, and a worse offense than what he (almost) did to my friend. 

in my alcohol-fueled daze i imagined standing up, my eyes meeting his chest despite my 4-inch heels. that fact that he was bigger, stronger and probably more sober than me,  never crossed my mind as i swung recklessly at his arrogant, perpetually smirking face. i could almost feel the crushing snap of my fist as it met its destination. i could almost hear his surprised gasp and the expected, ‘what the fuck, rose?’ that was sure to follow. only god knows what could have happened next. perhaps a concerned friend stepping in? screams to stop? a blow returned and all-out fight? 

but even in my inebriated state, i still managed to find the control and good sense to stop before i did something so monumentally stupid.

and as i rode the cab home, i felt just as helpless as i did that night long ago when there was nothing i could do to make things better. all that’s left of last night is a churning stomach and a headache that refuses to go away and the itch that i still want to start a fight. 

novel firsts

There are days when I get really bored. The been-there-done-that attitude sinks in, and I can’t help but feel like there’s no more to life than what I’m doing. The humdrum-ness of repetition gets me all down and out and plain cynical.

After four amazing years in college, living with friends away from home, I’ve gotten to try so many new things and that I never imagined doing. We shared so many firsts and never-agains. The high of college has faded in the months post-grad spent at home. All I’m left with are fond memories and the sinking feeling that the best days of my life have passed me by.

The past year of vegetative-ness has given me a lot perspective. A lot of this perspective, I’m honestly still wrangling with. But one thing that I’ve really taken to heart is the importance of being open to and enjoying new things.

As I start out with Law School, I hope I’ll remember this time around, to savor and appreciate my firsts. Nothing is never anything quite as exciting as getting to do something for the very first time. I’m really scared right now and I don’t know what to expect exactly, but I’m excited. I’m strung out and getting tired, but the boredom’s gone and I can’t help but admit, just how amazing and surprising life can be.

It’s really stupid and self-centered and totally wasteful to be bored and cynical at 21. There’s still so much to do and see out there. I’m young and the novelty of first-times will never grow old. I hope. :)

So here’s to a lot more firsts in a life that hopes to be at least half as promising as it appears.

**** sorry if I’m incoherent, the philo readings have turned my brain to mush.

BACK IN MNL

After year living in laid back Cebu, it’s strange, almost surreal really, coming back to the hustle and bustle of the Philippine capital. The traffic, the sheer volume of people, the general busy-ness of the place literally leaves me breathless. The stress of living and breathing in the cosmopolitan city will take some getting used to again. 

But all in all, I’m glad to be stretching out my legs, and getting back into the Manila groove.

Law School, here I come!!!!!!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

in thorns

in thorns

LITTLE BOOKS FOR LITTLE HANDS
I took this in the Library Hub, a joint project between Rotary clubs of Cebu and Singapore and the local government. Through their efforts, they were able to provide nearly 100,000 books - textbooks, novels, manuals and other educational materials, for the use of public school children all over the province. 

LITTLE BOOKS FOR LITTLE HANDS

I took this in the Library Hub, a joint project between Rotary clubs of Cebu and Singapore and the local government. Through their efforts, they were able to provide nearly 100,000 books - textbooks, novels, manuals and other educational materials, for the use of public school children all over the province. 

one gloomy afternoon. 

one gloomy afternoon. 

Daddy. He’s so cute.

Daddy. He’s so cute.